My Crazy-Ass Story
I have mentioned a few things about me here, and for Kitten at hecallsmekitten.tumblr.com. This is to sort of fill in the rest in one long blurb.
I got divorced about 5 ½ years ago. It was a marriage I should have never been in. I got married because…that’s where I was in life. I was checking things off a list. College? Check. Grad school? Check. Job? Check….and then….it seemed if I didn’t after that, then when? I made the mistake of thinking that having kids would save me. It didn’t. It made it worse. Luckily, the three I made are brilliant and beautiful and will far outdo their father. They are my breath; my air. They and my vocation are my first life. It is the life my family sees, the community sees. I work in a highly visible position and lead many. I am the place where the buck stops, usually. It is a position that creates friendly relationships; but not really friends. Occupational side effects, if you will.
Toward the end of my marriage, during which the ex and I went through about 13 months of counseling; she looking to save, and me trying to find an ally and intermediary who could help me say what needed to be said, and her to hear it- I had developed a platonic relationship with a 26 year old woman who was very visible at our school; she was the “princess”, everybody loved her, while I was sort of the bad boy. We flirted and really connected about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with sex, or bad marriage, or anything too serious. But, being the community that it was, people talked. And it didn’t matter that so many things didn’t add up that would lead credence to the talk, the fact was it was fun to talk….and that smoke did nothing to help. So, I moved on from there, and went my way. I moved an hour away, got divorced and started over. During that time, she also got divorced (they had no kids, didn’t take long) and had returned to school….you guessed it, 15 minutes away.
So naturally we hooked up. Silently, secretly. No one could know; her family still lives where we met, and according to her, if word ever got back that we were together…hell, if we were ever SEEN together or were known to have had contact, that it would be very, very bad. SO- for the past four plus years, I have been her secret. I have helped and guided her; cowrote her dissertation…you name it. Houseboy, fuck toy…never allowed to have full status as a mate. I am a kept man. I learned stealth, to move in shadows and silence. I became quite adept at being invisible. We do not go out in public. Not to dinner, movies, or stores. I am her “friend” if ever we have had to interact with others. She is not known to anyone in my first life. That, is my second life. The two are to never commingle. I maintain a separate residence, but live at her place. I take care of her dogs. I do the laundry, the dishes, the floors. I do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. I maintain her place from the bedroom to the porch. She is capable, and works at keeping the place herself-it’s just that, if I don’t do it….things get critical. I serve her, it’s that simple. In secret. She is fiercely loyal; and even more jealous.
We would talk of the future…of having and doing and making…all the fun talk of lovers. But there was, and is, no plan. We talked of marriage after graduation- which just recently happened. None of this can of course, actually happen. She may never be able to introduce me to the world. And even then, it would have to be a sanitized version. But now she is desperately devoted and dependent on me. I am the wind to her wings. She is beautiful and talented and intelligent. And yet…I began having serious difficulty seeing a future with her about a year ago. I come with much baggage; 3 kids; and am a good bit older than she is. Our lives…just don’t ….fit. But day in, day out…I just didn’t let myself dwell on it. It was my life. I had grown accustomed to the secret back-door life. And then….
Back in the spring, something incredible happened. Something completely insane happened. Someone who I NEVER thought I’d hear from again….looked me up. And my heart was reborn. Incredible. Miraculous. And totally, completely impossible. It was cool that an old student of mine looked me up. And THIS one particularly. Had you asked me the ONE student I would want to hear from again, she would have been it. And there she was on my email. Asking me how things were. And I was answering. And then another email. Another answer. We simply…never stopped. Topics expanded. The sexual tension from long ago burst forth. And it was clear that her marriage was a failure. It just hadn’t ended yet. I didn’t…and don’t want to touch that. Of all the wonderful things of her life….her marriage wasn’t one of them. It was as if we were allowed to talk and think and …well…flirt. And play. All the things we could have never done those 15 years ago. But 15 years of life…we were also no longer the people we were. Of course she was married- I expected nothing less. She is vivacious, precocious, cute, funny, beautiful, talented, intelligent. And sexy. Yes, hard to admit at first, but dammit, sexy. Sexy as hell. The way she moves, the sounds she makes. Giggles, flashing brilliant blue eyes. Every clichéd sexy attribute you can imagine. Curvy. Long legs. Voluptuous. Desired by ….shit, by about any she wanted to desire her. And as a high school girl, she crept into my subconscious and never left. Dirty daydreams that had to be dashed and pushed away, could now come back without it being creepy or wrong. We had developed a relationship then…that was the perfect building blocks for where we jumped to here and now. We had sexual tension that was unmistakable; but we had vision and discipline to table that and settle into me simply being amused by this sexy, silly, poignant, deep girl…and her being…I don’t know. Her enjoying the schoolgirl crush and the leeway she got for it. She would always be someone who would quickly catch up to where I was. And now she has.
As she is married, I find myself again in a common role. The secret. The back-door. To add to it, I am hundreds of miles away. I live in her world through phone and computer. She has run through online relationships before; and I exist in that realm. I share much with many of them; are ahead of some and behind others in the relationship I enjoy with her now. I hold potential, according to her, to be the one she will break out for. That remains to be seen. But over the past year, we have become intertwined physically, mentally, emotionally. I am completely addicted to my kitten. I am hopelessly in love. This is the girl that I CAN see I can live happily ever after with.
This is my third life. Obviously, I am her secret. This is a life that cannot bleed over into either of my other two lives. So, yes, I serve two women. In secret. In two different time zones. In eerily similar ways. I live in anon world here, online, and in the real world as I have done for years. I am good at it. This blog helps me to be able to let out what I have held inside for a long time.
I serve Kitten. I serve as her Daddy. I give her a dream to dream. But I don’t know if the dream will prompt her to make the move…and she will have to make the first move…or the dream simply enable her to continue an existence that is unfulfilling; stifling. It has stolen the girl I knew and replaced her with one that questions herself at every turn; one who lost her voice and came to believe that her thoughts were not valid. I have brought the concept of true love back into her life….but at this point in her life, I don’t know if “true love” will be enough. It doesn’t conquer all, despite the rhetoric to the contrary. But I hope it does this time
